To reach further than arms length

I have not posted on this blog in years, but my spiritual journey bumpy and often without direction, is nevertheless important to me. I no longer give half a damn about educating people about anything. Transsexuality, witchcraft, politics. I don't care that much. Not because trans politics aren't important, but because, I'm just not cut out to be a journalist of any kind, I don't have an eye for facts and I'm not doing much investigating from my hole I live in. It's simply not my area of talent, so I may on occasion offer my opinion on things for the sake of sharing, but not because I feel I have a very strong voice in politics.

Religion comes out pretty much the same. I'm clueless and partially insane. I'm not an anthropologist, or a theologist. I'm no ghodi, no initiate of Wicca or Thelema, I'm not a preacher or a rabbi. I'm going to post here for one person and one person only: myself. Frankly I think it would help me to get stuff off my chest once in a while, and this will be a place for me to do just that. This blog will be dedicated to my spiritual confusion and what my beliefs are and what I'm searching for.

Another repost from outside this blog. I apologize to anyone who's actually reading this that I'm carrying over so much material, but there's people sorta helping me out in another online community, so I often express my journey with them, in hopes of getting advise about where to look next and so on.

"I need to update this, my ideas have been changing so much and I've only read so little. I imagine the more research I do the the more that will happen, and Its getting hard to collect my thoughts when they are changing so much.

I will say this though, and I'll post it in the initial posts later: I've decided to focus my research on the practice of magic, rather than on one specific paradigm or another. This is because through magic, I believe I can get results, and through results, beliefs. There's more to it than that though. Perhaps its something internalized I am not wanting to admit to myself. I've always been drawn to magic, the idea, the word, maybe its something I just have a personal attraction to. Perhaps I don't need a deeper reason than that. Perhaps researching, and later practicing magic because I want to, or because I feel its satisfying in some way, is enough of a reason. This is a morbidly daunting task, and I'm painfully aware of that. Magic is used in a variety of traditions, and is often contextually very different. I know I can do this in a way that is ethical, and respectful of cultures, but it will be difficult. For now I'll finish the book Nuri recommended, and I'll probably go to the some of the sources of inspiration it claims to draw from. Unfortunately the writer of this book is a member of the Feri Tradition, which is initiatory, and I will only ever benefit from what is open to outsiders. I imagine this problem is going to come up repeatedly in my research. Sorry for using this thread like a journal, people. Perhaps I should be posting this somewhere else? I do more than welcome suggestions on where to go next in regards to practice and research however."

Someone who's become a bit of a mentor to me, posed the question, "what is attractive about it."


I've been soul searching to try to figure out the most honest answer to her question and I still don't know...
I keep wanting to say if there's some infinite energy source out there, I just want to touch it and be a part of it... but maybe its not that...

It sounds almost too cheesy to be true, just like my search for spiritual enlightenment through magic, that's a part of it sure...

Am I craving power, after all this time? Deep inside in some buried part of my Freudian subconscious, is that what this is about? Metaphoric bolts of lightning to strike my enemies with?

Is it about trying to make the real world feel more like a fantasy? Is it just escapism face painted as spirituality?

I've felt this compulsion towards magic, since as long as I've known about the concept, long before I earnestly believed in it. What is it about magic that calls to me? What is it about Faeries either?

Faeries, an obcession or a calling?

More copypasta time. I just posted this to another online community and I wanted to share it here as well. It's copypasta of myself though, posting in an online forums, as is my cosmology section.

Faeries obsession or calling? First of all, let me explain my concepts of callings, and how I differ from believers in "otherkinism" in my obsession with fairies. I believe the metaphysical to be just as complex structurally as the physical. When I say that I believe that I may have soul chemistry that is compatible with faeries, or leads me into this direction, I am by no means claiming to be a faery in a human body. I believe people have certain aspects of their soul that draw them to certain things, as I believe our spiritual composition affects to some extent, our psychology in the real world. I actually explain the concept of otherkinism to myself in this way. Some people may have something in their spirit that draws them to certain iconography and imagery, as well as towards different spiritual practices and different callings and vocations in life. People claiming to be otherkin, are simply being mislead by this spiritual draw they have into taking it to the next level. I do not mean this as a put down or insult to otherkin in any way however, it's simply how I explain the idea in my beliefs about cosmology. The only concepts I have really to go off of what fairies are or are not, is fantasy, so I really have no valid definition of a fairy. Elves supposedly orginated in Norse mythology, which would make Ásatrú (sp?) a definite area of interest. Nymphs and Satyrs supposedly came from Greek mythos, making Hellenistic polytheism of equal relevance. When seeking the answer to what the modern concept of fairy comes from, I tend to get a hodgepodge of traditions and cultures, some of them open, some closed, some I have absolutely no idea about, so It's hard to be certain what makes a faerie a faerie, and not some other form of mythological, otherworldly, chimerical, or supernatural creature. Where exactly did the term itself come from and from what culture, or is classifying them as faeries simply a modern invention, to classify groups of supernatural? I am equally interested in the notion of another world interacting with ours. I have no knowledge of where that idea came from necessarily but as a recurring theme in fairy fantasy, I want to know whether it's a modern concept, or borrowed from older traditions. What of goblins, brownies, pixies, and dryads? No I don't believe every single one of these entities to exist in the forms they are presented in fantasy, but I'd like to start putting them in their original context, so I can make some kind of decision about what to believe, what to admire, and what to simply let be. Before I worry about believing in something I have no proof of or even a sound definition of, I want to make sure I'm not guilty of any kind of cultural misappropriation. I know I'm not using these ideas to harm anyone, so the idea that my fascination, both academic and spiritual was in some way immoral, never crossed my mind until I started stumbling into the beliefs of a closed tradition, namely that of the Irish. I never meant to imply that I was of the Gael, nor would I have knowingly made such an implication, so if by speaking of fairies, I'm actually invoking beings of a closed tradition, please correct me. It will be difficult to let go of something I've held on to for so long, so forgive me if there is a grieving period, I mean not to steal from closed cultures, but I've also held a special place for these beliefs silly though they may be, in my heart for a long time. Also I'm aware that all of this may just be an obsession with fantasy.

Cosmology

Copypasta time, I've been sharing this with an online community, so this is my current view of cosmology, ideas subject to change in circumstances of epiphany enlightenment, and discovery.

	Cosmology For starters I don't believe in everything here to the same degree. I was originally going to try describing things with a 1-5 number system, but giving further thought to how I want to organize this, I decided to simply comment individually about how I feel about each thing. I don't believe in anything 100% because, nihilistic though it may be, part of my philosophy, (philosophy and morality coming shortly) is acknowledging my lack of knowledge, verification, and proof. If anything I use has another meaning in another culture, and is being improperly used, please inform me and I will correct myself. Souls I believe in a soul, and I look at this with a great deal of conviction as well. I believe in a sort of "spiritual matter" which all things are made of. Souls are simply spiritual living matter, and can be as varied in nature, as matter in living organisms who's corporeal forms they are connected to, if they are connected to any. Some living spiritual matter is connected to a corporeal form, such as my individual "soul" and the souls of all living things. When I speak of spiritual presence I mean literally the amount of spiritual matter living and nonliving, and spiritual energy (which are decidedly different, like physical matter and energy to my understanding). I believe in this with a moderate amount of conviction. Deities Deities are just living beings composed of large amounts of spiritual matter. Greater souls than ours, with overwhelming spiritual presence. This can be anything from god bearing a human like form, to a plant like spiritual organism, with no consciousness. Most if not all Deities either have no corporeal form, or have corporeal forms that are found on other worlds, or planes of existence. In particular I began prayer rituals one night after reading on a website [probably a fluff site] that the full moon was a sacred time of cleansing, in some circles. regardless of which, if any traditions view the full moon as having this meaning, this ritual quickly became a call for help to a particular deity. Since that night my life has changed dramatically. I don't know if this was because of the particular amount of effort I put into said prayer ritual, or if because a deity answered my call, but I do believe in this deity with a great deal of conviction. I believe her to be female, and do not know her name, she never gave me a name to look for. I asked her if she was a fairy or had anything to do with fairies, and she told me fairies were something else, and that she had some connection with them but very little. These answers were felt more than actually heard. Other beings Ghosts I believe to be spiritual residue, left by inhabitants of our own world. I believe in ghosts with a great deal of conviction, but my theory explaining them depends upon my soul theory. They vary in degrees of consciousness, depending on the amount, and type of spiritual matter left behind. fairies here we go. My obsession. I believe fairies to be any of a few things. The first is is corporeal inhabitants of varying spiritual presence of another world, who's spiritual presence is felt or made aware of in this world. The other is corporeal or non corporeal entities, with a great deal of spiritual presence, tied to magic, and tied to specific places in the world. Their form and nature varies dramatically depending on the places they inhabit. Modern fantasy often describes fairies as outsiders, and otherworlders. More on this later, they get their own section later. I don't carry a great deal of conviction about any of these theories. vampires Aside from the possibility of "psyvamps", which I have not yet read about, so I do not know what they are, I do not believe in vampires. I do not believe people with pathological or medical conditions relating to the blood, to be vampires. I speak of the mythological vampire. werewolves some people may have a spiritual connection to wolves, without being a wolf in a persons body. more on this later. I do not literally believe in werewolves, nor have I as of yet, seen any evidence to suggest magical abilities to transform into a wolf or wolf-like form. aliens I believe somewhat in the possibility of extra terrestrial beings, however when I speak of other worlds, I mean what could be described as other dimensions. aliens, if existing, would be from another planet, not from another world. I've seen convincing enough stuff on tv, to go from a no, to a maybe, but it's never been a field of interest enough for me to do any serious research. Edit: As my girlfriend just pointed out to me, I do believe highly in the existence of aliens, not so much in their early visits. Thanks sweetie! Magic Magic is probably the manipulation of the metaphysical both in terms of "matter" and "energy" I use quotes because at this point I realized its better to mention I don't mean these terms literally the way they are in the corporeal world. Humans, Plants and Animals I'm guilty of a misstatement. Humans fall under the animals category in my system of beliefs. Beings that inhabit the world have varying amounts of spiritual matter or spiritual presence. It might be possible that humans possess a greater amount of spiritual presence than most, if not all other species of animals, but I'm equally open to the idea that other species may contain a great deal of spiritual presence. I do not believe spiritual presence is equal to consciousness, but do admit, I find it hard to imagine, a cockroach having a greater spiritual presence then say, a wolf. Human beings with a spiritual inclination will likely have a greater amount of spiritual presence than others. Some also may have this naturally, without ever acknowledging it. The same may be true of other species, but they do not have any known ability to contemplate the metaphysical. Life and Death I believe spiritual essence to be more fluid than the physical. When we pray, we take in some spiritual energies, and we leave some behind. The same is true, to a lesser degree about everyday life. I believe when we die, spiritual energy is spread about, just as we are absorbed as nutrients in soil, by insects, but we are also spread into a sort of spiritual stream that flows and circulates between all things. I believe in past lives, but I believe in bits and pieces of past lives, are inherited from all living things, in this world and out.

An Empty Vessel

Good evening folks. Some of you already know me by my other blog Burning Cocoons. This is my new blog where I talk about spirituality. I am what some people like to call a "fluffy" pagan. I'm pretty removed from using incorrect terminology, like Wicca (which is descriptive of a fertility cult, which includes initiations, and lineage, and cannot be used for a solitary person such as myself). So why then am I calling myself fluffy? Mainly because I haven't learned ANYTHING about my beliefs. I haven't really looked into pagan traditions, to draw from them and learn and grow. I haven't thought deeply about what religion even is.

I've practiced witchcraft(proper definition?) using made up rituals, and quietly feeling and attempting to manipulate energies. This isn't bad per-say but I think I can learn a lot more by learning the craft, and knowing what I'm doing. I believe I'll be able to learn more FROM witchcraft as well, as my primary goal in practicing, is to poke and prod at the nuts and bolts of it, and discover esoteric secrets about the metaphysical.

Finally as with my transition, as a transsexual woman, I want to record a before and after, to give other people a solid example of what reading, research, experimenting, and learning does for me as a spiritual being. I'm starting over, as a pagan, as a witch, as a human. I'm willing to tear down and rebuild my entire system of beliefs from scratch, so this is going to be an exiting journey. Tonight I'm what's known as an eclectic neopagan. When this is over, maybe I'll be something completely different.