Another repost from outside this blog. I apologize to anyone who's actually reading this that I'm carrying over so much material, but there's people sorta helping me out in another online community, so I often express my journey with them, in hopes of getting advise about where to look next and so on.

"I need to update this, my ideas have been changing so much and I've only read so little. I imagine the more research I do the the more that will happen, and Its getting hard to collect my thoughts when they are changing so much.

I will say this though, and I'll post it in the initial posts later: I've decided to focus my research on the practice of magic, rather than on one specific paradigm or another. This is because through magic, I believe I can get results, and through results, beliefs. There's more to it than that though. Perhaps its something internalized I am not wanting to admit to myself. I've always been drawn to magic, the idea, the word, maybe its something I just have a personal attraction to. Perhaps I don't need a deeper reason than that. Perhaps researching, and later practicing magic because I want to, or because I feel its satisfying in some way, is enough of a reason. This is a morbidly daunting task, and I'm painfully aware of that. Magic is used in a variety of traditions, and is often contextually very different. I know I can do this in a way that is ethical, and respectful of cultures, but it will be difficult. For now I'll finish the book Nuri recommended, and I'll probably go to the some of the sources of inspiration it claims to draw from. Unfortunately the writer of this book is a member of the Feri Tradition, which is initiatory, and I will only ever benefit from what is open to outsiders. I imagine this problem is going to come up repeatedly in my research. Sorry for using this thread like a journal, people. Perhaps I should be posting this somewhere else? I do more than welcome suggestions on where to go next in regards to practice and research however."

Someone who's become a bit of a mentor to me, posed the question, "what is attractive about it."

I've been soul searching to try to figure out the most honest answer to her question and I still don't know...
I keep wanting to say if there's some infinite energy source out there, I just want to touch it and be a part of it... but maybe its not that...

It sounds almost too cheesy to be true, just like my search for spiritual enlightenment through magic, that's a part of it sure...

Am I craving power, after all this time? Deep inside in some buried part of my Freudian subconscious, is that what this is about? Metaphoric bolts of lightning to strike my enemies with?

Is it about trying to make the real world feel more like a fantasy? Is it just escapism face painted as spirituality?

I've felt this compulsion towards magic, since as long as I've known about the concept, long before I earnestly believed in it. What is it about magic that calls to me? What is it about Faeries either?